Today I would have held you in my arms, but instead I hold you in my heart

I didn’t realize the date this morning.

I got up, got ready for work as I always do...let the dog out, cleaned up after the cats, made lunch...all the usual morning stuff. I drove to work listening to my ipod and parked my car and walked inside...and that’s when I saw it...today is March 18, 2009.

Remembering the significance of the date knocked the wind out of me.

If things had gone differently, maybe today I would be holding you in my arms. Maybe I would have spent the last few months in the discomfort of pregnancy. Maybe I would have been setting up a nursery. Maybe I would have been having regular ultra-sounds, watching the growth of my little one. Maybe I would have experienced all the excitement and fears that come from expecting a baby. Maybe it would have all culminated to today, when I finally had my water break and had to rush to the hospital to deliver my bundle. Today was your due date...today I should have been able to hold you in my arms and feel that love a mother feels for the first time...

I wanted you in my life for so long...and I had tried with no success. I figured it wasn't possible...and then you happened. You were such a surprise...but once I discovered you were the reason I had been sick for weeks, I was ecstatic...and petrified...at the same time. Did my fears scare you away?

These last 8 months passed by so fast. Would it have been faster if I hadn’t lost you? Or would it have been slow enough for me to enjoy it as it might have been my only chance. How different would things be today? So many late summer decisions would have gone a different way...no heartbreak over a man...no wild parties...no travel...no agonizing over projects at work as I would have been made to take it easy...many different decisions would have been made to protect you and to prepare for you.

But you weren’t meant to be...you left me so fast I barely had a chance to get used to the idea of you. And all this time I thought I had accepted your loss and moved on...until today...I didn't know it would still hurt this bad...I wasn't prepared for the emptiness I'm feeling.

Today would have been your day...today I would have held you in my arms, but instead I hold you in my heart...and I always will.